flying fat

$635!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is how much the agent at United Airlines wanted to charge me for one of my bags being 25lbs overweight on my way from Washington Dulles to Istanbul. How am I supposed to get all my foot juggling equipment, including extra umbrellas, overseas? But he was an uncaring man, a callous soul who voiced sincerity when he told me, completely straight-faced, that he thought that was a fair price for extra weight. The guy was at least 60lbs overweight in the body, and I almost wondered aloud in his face whether or not he thought it would be fair to charge him roughly $1500 extra if he wanted to go as a passenger.

I don’t know why airlines don’t start charging passengers for being overweight. This is not a negative judgment of overweight individuals (unless you are the self-righteous ticket agent at the United counter try to charge me $635.) I just feel overweight body charges would address three flying dilemmas. First, everyone would get enough space for themselves if they had two or three extra seats in extreme cases, and I wouldn’t have to fly in “ham sandwich” position (face and upper body squished against the window glass hard enough to make it squeak when I moved.) Secondly, the airline would make the extra money for which they are so desperately grasping. And third of all, maybe it would force us all to lose a few pounds if we knew this were the case. Just sayin’.

As it was, I foiled that evil man and his airline: He told me my best option was to buy another bag at the gift shop and transfer the excess weight to it and check it in as a ‘3rd Bag’ for $250. What a fucking bargain! Instead, I pulled out an extra duffle bag in which I was holding some hardware within my other bag, emptied it, and pulled out 25 lbs worth of stuff (mostly the metal legs to my foot juggling chair) from the overweight bag and then used it as a carry-on. For free. IN YOUR FACE !!!!!!!!!

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